Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
