This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
