I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
