pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
