I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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