i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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