he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
