i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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