One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
