oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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