that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize