Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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