are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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