After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
