Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
