I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize