you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
