why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
