I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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