3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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