if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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