I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
