Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
