Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
