she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize