I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
