It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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