She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
