I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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