Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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