i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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