Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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