I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize