So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
no more duck duck goose at the bar
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
