I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
