She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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