omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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