2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
