Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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