i can't believe i had my finger in that
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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