Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize