Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
