New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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