the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
