I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
false alarm, still single
Randomize
