I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
