Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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