I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
