If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
