Just fell off a train. Bad.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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