omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
