Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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