used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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