I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
