I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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