Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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