pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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