I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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